Tales of Pride, Muse, and Ironing Boards

Several years ago, I had the sublime anthropological pleasure of watching a close friend of mine prepare for the first time he was going to meet a girl.  To this day we still argue about how long it took him to prepare.  He suggests that the period of time took under two hours.

I suggest that human concepts of time are wholly inadequate when it comes to describing exactly how long his preparations took him.  It was obscene. After weathering several hours of mockery from me, he emerged from the bathroom and asked me to feel his face.  He wanted me to feel how effective his exfoliating and degreasing methods had been, in an effort to prove the purity of his technique.

I, politely,  questioned his sexual orientation.  He hrumphed and went back to his eons long beauty routine.  In the intrest of fairness, he has managed to gain the attention, orifiaces, and undergarments  of some of the most gorgeous and radiant girls I’ve ever laid eyes on…so I suppose I have to concede he was on to something.

Also, as I have started dating in earnest and have developed a preparation regime of my own?  I conclude that he was merely enacting a ritual set of behaviors that diffuse nervousness and paranoia, replacing them with a vestige of faux confidence.

I still have no idea why he had me touch his face though.


So I finally managed to purchase a vest that fits me.

I have no idea why vests don’t fit me often.  I mean, I know that I am a bit of a fat ass….but all the other fat asses I know like vests too.  It would seem my people would be the target demographic.

They are the masculine version of a corset; a garment which somehow modifies extra pounds and turns them into something that the target audience might find more appealing.   Vests produce dapper gentility, where as a corset is a breast amplification device without equal.

Both are part of steampunk fashion…lest anyone question why I am pursuing such a thing.

In either case, I rarely feel seductive.  Once in a great blue moon I’ll feel clever or handsome…never both at the same time.  Never anything more.  Well, I tried on the vest as part of putting together a dating ensemble I was intending to use for a date the following evening.

Dear god!  I am not a man of great ego or confidence, but I felt unstoppable in some subtle way.  I felt like I could have dick punched the pope and gotten away with it.  I felt like I could melt knees with the powers of my mind.  I actually felt like I could walk the walk and talk the talk.

So yeah…anyone needs a gift idea between now eternity.  VESTS, MOTHERFUCKER!


So now, I had my awesome vest.  Now, I needed awesome vest maintenance.  So I needed an iron and an ironing board.

Shit.

Okay, so you know how you can see something so often that you just think your house is full of it?  I just had that happen to me.  Up until tonight, I thought my house had literally infinite clothes irons.  I could have sworn I had seen them everywhere.  Then I go to look for one, and it’s as if the damn thing had become an endangered species.  After an hour and a half of searching I found an old ironing board in the living room and a clothes iron in a closet.

I iron pretty decently for someone who has no fucking clue what he’s doing.  I’d suspect that I did it wrong but my vest has no wrinkles or burn marks.  So….go me?

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Instant “Rise from the Ashes”! Just add coffee.

The last couple days had been more positive then most lately, but I was still in a rut.  I was, emotionally, not nearly as depressed.  I was angry, but that was probably my own fault…

PROTIP: DO NOT PONDER THE NATURE OF YOUR OWN EXISTENCE BEFORE DRINKING AT LEAST 10 OUNCES OF COFFEE!

The end result was just sort of feeling a lot of meh for really no good reason, as things were largely awesome.  I wanted to put something up…yet I wasn’t feeling particularly funny or inspired, and I was sick of whining.

I attempted to solve my problems through diplomacy and hatchet burying.  Problems were indeed solved, though true to the nature of my existence?  It was NOT in the manner I was trying for. Yet…it was exactly what I needed.

So ends another chapter.  Neither with a bang or a whimper, it ends simply with a bewildered sigh and the reminder that you can only hold up other people’s shields.

You can never wield their swords.

Of Ashes and Fires

So, the last week or two I’ve been pretty depressed off and on, and it’s sort of bit into my drive and motivation in a pretty telling way.  I’m sure I could have posted something, but my heart wasn’t in it and I’m not sure it would have been worth reading anyway.

Over the last couple days, a dear friend gave me a much needed kick in the pants and the resulting momentum has been quite useful.  It’s given me some insight into my own perspective and my own problem, which has allowed me to see somethings I didn’t previously noticed.  Has this changed my problems?  Oh fuck no….but it has given me new angles with which to view them through, and that  has helped immensely.

Seeing as how talking about stuff I am doing is a lot more interesting the griping?  I’d figure it was  a good time to share my current itinerary of ideas and projects.

*I’m working on putting together a forum for Heathen discussion.  I’m really looking to do some interesting and compelling things on on how to enable and encourage goodwill and frith in the community.  A lot of my current troubles have revealed that saying such a thing and successfully doing it are two totally different animals.  I also have a whole bunch of other micro-projects and interests involved with helping Heathens communicate.  So, a forum.  It’s not really “live” yet, but if anyone has any constructive criticism for the current setup?  Give me a buzz.

*I’m working on a YouTube channel.  Believe me when I say this isn’t as easy as it sounds.  Okay, it can be as easy as it sounds.  Bad graphics from MSPaint with a dub over from a guy via his bad microphone isn’t exactly tricky or uncommon.  However doing it right is, and I’m trying to have an outlet for all the whimsy and the zany that I have.  This blog is serving for my more “strait faced” needs.  Time for something with goofy voices bitching about geek crap.  It’ll be here, and I’m currently finishing the voice work for the first episode.  It’s about Chrono Trigger, because…well write what you know.

*Trying to get my house in order is pretty much a continuous ordeal, though it’s been more of  a pronounced desire lately as I’d like for my kitchen to function as something more then that place where I let my ketchup and ranch cups soak.  I will say that since my Kurig died, finding motivation to do anything other then complain about my lack of coffee has been a bit tricky.

*I’ve actually started getting into the habit of doing daily rune and tarot pulls.  This has been advised by friends for years, especially since I’ve been participating in a rune study.  This has been stymied by the fact that waking up and seeing the sun make me realize that I might be half-mole.  I recently had a rather dramatic change to my schedule though which means I wake up somewhere between 8pm and 2am every day…so it’s been a bit easier to manage things like memory.  I also have more then 45 minutes to get ready for work each day, which is an additional help.

*I’m trying to get into steampunk, but this is proving trickier then expected.  I’m hitting Salvation Armies and Goodwills…but apparently no one makes distinguished vests for fat men.  This confuses me, as most of the vest enthusiasts I know ARE fat men.  So why steampunk?  Well, I find that I like the grace of Victorian attire when complimented with a little bit of absurdest retro-tech.  That most of the RPGs I grew up with fit somewhere into a steampunk mindset doesn’t hurt.  Also, steampunk lady type persons seem to wear a lot of corsets…and, well, cleavage.

So yeah.  Projects aplenty.   Keeping busy.

-HjkH