Something has happened on the religious front that, I believe, needs to be put down into words and expressed. I have had this itch tickling around in the back of my head for a month now, and I feel like it really needs to get scratched.
Warning: Those of a non-heathen persuasion might not get all that much out of this, as it deals with something I’ve seen and felt inside that environment. Those of a heathen persuasion? Well…your warning comes at the end.
On July 18th, I fell out with someone who I counted as both a close friend and as family. I wouldn’t call her a teacher in any sense that we usually use the term, but to say I learned a lot from her is a understatement. We had sworn a blood oath to be as brother and sister, and by her own confession? I had saved her life. We had very similiar religious views, and attended many of the same functions together. The parting of ways was brutal, savage, and completely unexpected.
I do not know how it effected her, but the alienation absolutely rocked me. I can honestly say I was never closer to suicide then I was in the two months that followed…and looking back on that time objectively? I probably did die inside a bit. Not a fun or pretty thing to realize. To make matters worse, I’m still unclear as to what exactly happened. It was horrible, and at one point seeing her in public brought me to the point of hysterics.
Keep that in mind; my emotional instability is a factor to my thoughts here.
On the 3rd of October….we were in the same building again. We had conversations. We talked. We laughed. We were a part of the community that surrounded us, and they were a part of us. Was there reconciliation? Gods no. But there was frith and community. There was acceptance. There was the ability for both of us to act like human beings. To act with dignity and respect around others, and to make sure both of our voices could be heard loudly and without restriction. More importantly, perhaps, was making sure both of our voices were heard without having to drown out the message of the person on the other side of the room
Our issues with each other didn’t need to effect others or the community.
A lot of crap has effected the local Heathen community recently. Disagreements. Accusations. Tempers flaring. A whole potluck of emotional runoff which has fractured and factionized us. It’s pretty ugly, truth be told
Now both me and my former-kin? We have a wondrous collection of mental anguish and psychological disorders. We both have problems with confrontation. We both have problems with panic attacks. With stress. With angst. I think I’d say that hers are generally worse then my own, but I’m hardly the poster-boy for mental stability.
To be plain, we have every reason to avoid each other, expect the worse of each other, to be utterly terrified of each other, and to be enraged towards each other. We’re also both stubborn as mules, so a lack of compromise over issues that are extremely emotional isn’t out of character either
We sat. We broke bread. We may or may not be friends ever again…but we can be heathens around one another no matter how much bad blood has come between us and a blood oath. We had seen each other in passing at a Harvest Home celebration before that day….it was awkward, but we were cordial. Then my girlfriend and I were invited to an event she and her fiance were holding.
I’m not sure if this is an olive branch or not, and for the purposes of this little thought bubble? That’s not relevant.
As I said, drama flows from all sides of the local heathen community. My former sister and I are both stubborn people, emotionally invested in being the wronged person, and both of us have a plethora of issues which make disputes irritating at best and traumatic at worst.
If ones such as us can move on from this in such a relatively small span of time….why can’t anyone else?
With that, then, comes my warning to my fellow heathens. I mean you may not like what I’m saying. To be frank, I don’t know what to do about that. If you feel wronged by someone, I’m not saying that your offense is out of place or undeserved. If you feel as if you’ve tried to mend bridges and such and your efforts have been tossed aside? That stinks, and I’m not being judgmental towards you or anyone else.
So if you’re feeling judged here? That’s not me; that’s your own gaze reflected back upon yourself….and if that’s going on? If you are truly dissatisfied withwhat you’ve done? I can’t help you with that.