Inner Muse and Self-Doubt

Sometimes the issue isn’t that I don’t know what to write; it’s that I don’t have an idea of how to write it. Here are some examples of topics I’d like to write about, but have not yet.

Doctor Kindlenook: Or how I stopped being afraid and learned to love my e-reader: An examination of how silly I find the animus and anger over the slow degradation of the library system.  What we are replacing it with is the ability to magically summon any work ever written whenever you’d like, where you like it.  Why are we scared of loosing libraries when the result could be that then entirety of the planet becomes a library?

Laissez -Faire, Escargot, Cul de Sac, and Other Scary Words: I like the Libertarian party right until they start 90722_slidetalking economics, because I think that unless the transition to a laissez-faire model is done very carefully?  We’re going to have a few decades where it’s a living hell.  I was also going to take the opportunity to offer a verbal tea-bagging to Ayn Rand, because she’s bloody stupid.

Theology 101: A recent biography I read a sample of detailed the author’s own paths through spirituality and religion.  While educational, it caused me to reflect on how much different my religious upbringing is versus just about anyone else I know.  I sort of wanted to look back on that, and see how it has helped me and hindered me.

Back, Down, Sideways, and Middle: I’ve made references to interesting paradigms between me and the lady-pet, but sexuality is usually sometime I avoid talking about.  I want to stop that idiocy, so I was going to get in that in a PG-13 sort of way.

Farewells to Disaster: Now that I find myself in a stable relationship and feelings pretty damn good more often then not, I’d like to put down my thoughts on those people who I surrounded myself with (both romantically and platoniclly) and how I feel about my time along side them.  Less funny then I normally try to be, and a lot more heartfelt.

Baldur Dash: A discussion at a Yule feast let to the conversation of  patron Gods and Goddess.  I wanted to share thoughts on the practice as a whole, and how it pertains to me.

Loki Iscariot: Loki is, in contemporary Heathnry and Asatru, a controversial figure.  There are those who ask why, and refute the stance that Loki does not deserve veneration; they criticize others for making Loki into a Norse Satan.  While I find that I agree with those who venerate Loki more then those who don’t, I also think we need to adjust the metaphors that we use for the problem…because the traditionalist view of Loki has a lot more in common with Judas then it does with Lucifer, and I think that might be an even worse problem.

I’ve had thoughts about every one of these topics, and that’s actually just the ones that I have the most interest in.   I feel like I could say something and that my view point could actually be interesting and entertaining.  So…why don’t I write that view point?  What stops me.

It’s tempting to blame being busy.  A scant six months ago, I was pretty much on the edge of oblivion and basically only kept myself busy in order to distract myself from how miserable I am.  Now I find myself pretty much a part of a life that I actually love, and it’s left a lot more on my plate.  Sometimes that wonderful life makes other things more important then sitting down and trying to write in order to appease my own self-worth.  That’s not the problem, however.

It’s also tempting to place blame at the feet of my sub par attention span.  I have been diagnosed with some sort of attention spectrum disorder, and there are days where reading four sentences within four minutes can get challenging.  Now, try to right a document with a 500+ word count, proof read it, proof read it again because I’m absolutely shit at proof reading anything, find pictures to go with the document, add funny captions, dick around with the pictures because wordpress is being an asshole, proof read things again with the firm knowledge that I’m going to miss a ton of typos any damn way?  That gets tricky sometimes, and it’s not uncommon for me to want to beat myself in the head with a cinder block out of pure frustration.  Just minutes ago, the sounds of lady-pet clicking her mouse was nearly enough to completely derail my train of thought…and that takes some effort to work through.  That’s not the real problem either though.

Matthew Inman

This was taken from a drawing by Matthew Inman that pretty much perfectly reflects how I feel whenever I try to do anything.

The problem is that sometimes I feel like everything I write sorta blows ass and that I have no business saying a damn thing.

I will go along, trying to type something up.  I’ll try and examine things I see, attempting to expose the hilarity of the situation while examining things on deeper levels. .  Yet I never feel like I have any business saying a damn thing, because who the hell do I think I am?  I always feel like what I’m saying is so stuck up my own ass that it could effectively be a suppository.  I also feel very inarticulate at times.

I can’t shake the feeling that I don’t know shit about shit.  That I’m taking myself way too seriously.  From what I’ve seen, what I feel here isn’t particularly unique; anyone who has the desire to create anything tends to be a harsh critic of their own work and is prone to painful levels of self-analysis.  Anyone who wants to express their opinion has to grapple with either their own hubris or humility at some point.  Everyone needs the opportunity to decide how they feel about the things they want to say, and whether that message is important enough to them to actually speak aloud.

I don’t know how important it is to everyone else, but it’s definitely important enough to me.  I’ve gone through my entire life saying a lot that wasn’t important because it was a lot easier then trying to say anything that mattered.  So to hell with all of it.  Time to start writing whatever comes to mind, and just seeing where it leads me.

Time to be a little less Baggins and a little more Took.

(The second picture was cut and paste from Matthew Inman’s “Some Thoughts and Musings About Making Things for the Web” over at TheOatmeal.com.  I am eternally impressed at his ability to articulate the uncanny and the bizarre in a seemingly effortless way.  Also, he raised a lot of money for charity in response to a lawyer being a douchebag…and that’s pretty awesome) 

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One thought on “Inner Muse and Self-Doubt

  1. […] talked about this before, though I think I was just really trying to just get the “I’m really frustrated and […]

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