The Rage: Happy Mother @#!*ng Holidays

If I say happy holidays?  I mean happy holidays.  If I wanted to say Merry Christmas?  I’d have said Merry Christmas.  Why does this seem to confuse people?  Why do people act like “Happy Holidays” is some conspiracy by abortion clinic doctors and pro-cannibus hippies?

Okay, lemme back up.

I get some flak from a close friend for caving into what he perceives as “liberal guilt”, and I suppose it’s true that I can be fairly characterized as a bit of a bleeding heart.  Still, I’d like to say that it’s not guilt but empathy.  It’s also not about being liberal; it’s about not being a dick head.

Hipster mcPBR

Did you know that Hipster don’t celebrate Christmas? Most chose to champion Boxing Day….you’ve probably never heard of it.

You see, I’m well aware that there is a point where you become so open minded you wrap around and become a bit of a ass again.  It’s easy to close your mind to people not as “open” and “accepting” as you perceive yourself to be.  Then you end up just as much as a close minded jerk as the other side, only now you are likely to stink of patchouli and/or listen to Death Cab for Cutie.

So, in an effort to become neither a whiny hippie or a maladjusted hipster, I end up trying to make my choices and then just let them abide.  The exception is when there are people people who are apt to spew forth some rhetoric regarding injustices (so long as no one else has heard of them), and then I can kind of be a little bit more snarky and in your face, as I don’t judge causes by how much the victims or the needy have sold out.  In all other cases, I try to keep my crusades and causes down to a dull roar.

It’s not about me feeling special or needing to show how just I am.  It’s about feeling this way or that, and then acting like it.  It’s pretty damn simple.

Surprisingly, my use of “Happy Holidays” has never been about have a cause or about being over sensitive; it just made sense to me.  I understand why some non-Christians get upset at being wished a Merry Christmas, but I really think this is one of those issues of over-sensitivity more then any legitimate problem more often then not.  Christmas is, now, as 32398318much of a secular holiday as a religious one.  You can still be a dick about this; you can wish someone a Merry Christmas with that snide, jack ass look that clearly suggests you just wished them a Happy Birthday to Jesus in an active attempt at being an asshole.   The thing is that these people who unironically believe there is a war on Christmas are the minority,  and easily ignored.

In my case, I use it just because it’s the most apt and simple expression I have.  I know Christians, Jews, Islamics, Pagans of a multitude of stripes, and more.  All have their own holidays.  All of those holidays are ones which I hope the celebrants de jour will enjoy.  Most importantly?  Saying all of those holidays separately is a big pain in the ass, and “Happy Holidays” has me covered.  No one is left out.  Everyone is included.  No extra effort or big productions need.  The matter is done.

Yet, every year, I get  some smarmy jackass who somehow takes umbrage at me being nice to everyone.  They fire back at me, in their most perfect asshole tone “Merry Christmas”.  As if I have just offended their sensibilities somehow.   Worse yet is when they act like the feel sorry for me; like I WOULD have wished them a Merry Christmas, but somehow my holiday spirit has been stifled by forces beyond my comprehension.

What a load of shit.

buddy jesus

There was a disturbing number of pictures with Jesus holding a gun…so here is the Buddy Jesus instead.

Look, I don’t mind if you’re telling me Merry Christmas because that’s your holiday of choice; go nuts.  You wanna fill your house with 8,000 novelty nativity scenes and poignant pictures of Jesus giving little starving kids bread and AK-47s?  Have yourself a Merry Motherfucking Christmas.  Seriously; don’t presume my profanity is used in condescension of any kind.  I’m pissed off, but I sincerely hope your Christmas is Jehova-tastic if that is what you want it to be.

However, when you talk down to me?  When you treat me like some sort of fool or pitiable specimen when I have made the calculated choice to give you a well-wishing that covers all the bases because I honestly want to be that nice?   You can take your self-righteous, grandiose, persecution complex having bullshit and stick it right up your own holly hole.

You people are right there with assholes who say “psh, I don’t believe in God” after you say “God bless you”, when they sneeze.  You know, the people who you have to force yourself not to kick in the ball sack or clam bag?   The ones where you say to yourself “they knew this wasn’t a challenge for their right to be an atheist; they just want to be a petty, entitled dickhead because they got the opportunity to point out how damn special they are”?  That’s you.  That is what you look like, talk like, and act like.  Obsessed with pointing out what a special, magnificent rose you are in the great big cesspool of life.

Go fuck yourself; Jesus isn’t coming down and giving you a kiss on the cheek to celebrate your joyous, courageous defense of his birthday (observed).  For fuck’s sake, you realize that there are a shit ton of feast days in the name of

Saint Lucy is celebrated on December 13th!  That's boring, so here is a picture of a C.S. Lewis character.

Saint Lucy is celebrated on December 13th! That’s boring, so here is a picture of a C.S. Lewis character.

various Catholic saints you could be celebrating?  Secular holidays like Canada’s boxing day and our own New Years?  That this is only some insidious, secret attack on your holiday if you are so paranoid that Glenn Beck starts to seem like a moderate.

Other holidays exist.  Some people like to acknowledge that.  I want them to enjoy theirs, just as much as I’d like you to enjoy yours.  That’s right; even as I say this, I sincerely hope that your Christmas is full of veneration of the Christian god and his only son if that is your spiritual path.  Sit at home, watch some Narnia movies, pray, or go to church.  I’ll follow my way, mind you.  Just don’t think I begrudge you yours, because I most certainly don’t.  I’m happy that you have found a faith that leads you to better things.

Just stop being a dick, and make sure you have a very, very, happy….fucking…holiday.


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