I suck…suck at taking myself seriously.
I’ve talked about this before, though I think I was just really trying to just get the “I’m really frustrated and GRRRAHHGFRAKRA…fuck this” out into the open so I could pick it apart and examine it. You know, out into the open where I could actually get a look at it in decent light and figure out what the heck this mess was made of.
Then hit it with a hammer. A lot.
In either case, I realized that I probably end up blaming my attention span for the issue more then it deserves. Oh, don’t get me wrong; that is also a problem. My attention span and I have, what you might call, an adversarial relationship. The thing is that I’ve managed to, more or less, fine tune this problem into an additional tool set. I still really can’t have the TV on at the same time that I intend to do anything but watch TV, but I’ve also managed to find ways to make it work to my benefit. It’s still pretty damn tricky, and I remain capable of buggering it up from time to time.
It’s not the problem it once was however, and it seriously isn’t holding me back like I thought. No, the problem is my almost religious devotion to not taking myself seriously. Ever.
As I grew up, whenever people around me were pretentious? It hurt me. It still does, more often then not. It hurt me worst when I displayed it, and I think I naturally just gravitated towards humility as a result of patten recognition. I’m happy with that too, as humility is much more prone to self-discovery and growth then walking around thinking that you’re perfect. Most of the presumption and cockiness I have is a sort of private joke. Look at me, says the joke, I am a parody of arrogance! Look all this stuff that is nothing more then ego insulation for the insecure douchebags of the world!
Which is all fine, and good, and very useful at dealing with said bags of douche. Try to create something more interesting then a D&D character however, and suddenly that incredible lens of pretension penetration backfires. That internal dialogue is now picking apart everything I try to do…because who am I to take anything seriously? I mean, isn’t there someone more qualified for this?
I’ve been trying to keep the message of a particular video I found in my head lately. It was posted by one of my favorite Youtube personalities, Levni Yilmaz. While all of his Tales of Mere Existence are solid gold, the follow strikes a nerve in a profound way.
I always love Lev’s work, because there is an amount of underlying self-awareness with everything he does. It’s like he doesn’t quite get why anything he does resonates with anybody, and that he takes it too damn seriously, but he’ll be buggered before he lets something stop him from creating. I strongly suspect this, due to this other video he posted which seems somewhat related to the preceding one. I’m not going to pin it here since this post is sort of bloated as is, but I strongly advise you to watch it if the first one entertained you at all. Seriously, the guy does great work.
So really, it’s about pushing forward. I haven’t yet figured out the shape that it will take. It’s going to be interesting to say the least. It’s also probably going to be really difficult, but mostly I find myself looking forward to it in spite of this. I have a sneaky suspicion that this has the potential to be a lot of fun.