I am in some internal terrain at the present moment.
I think since I was about 12 I was curious about spirituality, philosophy, and theology. I’ve always sought answers to questions that don’t have answer. Not true answers anyway. Oh, I could have an opinion…and that opinion could end being my answer. No answers that could be counted amongst the knowable, however. Just the shapeless, amorphous masses that make up concepts like belief, sin, and faith.
Imagine me walking through some enormous network of huge, echoing caverns. An infinite network of underground, uncharted abyss to explore. It is more dark then not, but here and there there are little pockets of some shining crystalline material. These little phosphorescent bits light my way, but only just.
What has always been a thorn in my side, however, is that I never seem to truly understand the territory I walk in. I can recite it fairly well. I know the basic, spiritual ideas of Christianity. I know the basic principles of Buddhism. I’ve read the Tao te Ching and while I’d hardly say I understand it at any truly deep level, I can re-read some of the passages and find new meaning in them. I’ve read the Havamal and found verses that speak directly to my soul. I understand them in the same way that I understand how I understand why giraffes have black tongues, how I know the notes to the melody in Jingle Bells, or how I understand to make curry.
At various spots in this cavern, there are statues. Great, gigantic statues twenty feet or more in height. They depict famous figures. Those with spears and only one eye. Those with one hand missing, and a grim demeanor. One with a hammer, one with a smirk, and one wielding an antler in place of a sword. A woman with a ring full of keys, a man with bright wise eyes and a harp over one shoulder, and many others. They are large statues. They are important statues. Still there is something missing. The idea is there, but not the spirit. They were made in reverence, even while the very concept of reverence was only half understood. They’re missing something, and it shows.
Which is to say that I don’t understand a damn thing about the mystical. About the awesomely uncanny. About that inner voice which draws into something deeper, the eye that looks within, and the feeling in your own bones. I’ve had moments. Amazing moments. Moments where I looked upon the true face of faith, and could understand how humanity has and will again do both great good and sinister evil with it. Moments where I have looked into the void, and smiled…for the void has smiled back at me. Periods and flashes of immense, immediate, and awe inspiring enlightenment…ones where I could see the twinkle of the Allfather, hear the laughter of a Buddha, and touch the wild unknowable beauty that is everywhere and everyone around us if we just bother to look for it.
I have not always been here. I have gone to the wild, strange lands of others. I have tried to look for something in wild, untamed forests. I have seen the broken, battered ruins in a desert. I have seen strange, mountain vistas and twisted old temples. In these wild, metaphorical and metaphysical territories…I have ever been a traveler. I feel as if I am rarely at home. Sometimes I don’t always recognize home when I see it again. It’s more then a little perplexing at times.
Of course there are the upsides; I’ve been researching a number of topics, and one of them has been certain authors and people within the various circles. The number of situations that appear to be nothing more then grandiose type delusions are staggering. It’s not even close to a strictly Pagan issue…seems the more spiritual someone gets, the more their hinges start unwinding; the path ends up just giving the screwiness some context.
Then, I recall when I first found these caverns. It was just a small cave. There were no statues. There were no crystals to guide my way. It was just me. Then I found a tunnel. It went down, and showed me where things go. How things can go. Showed me things about myself, and brought me to place I cannot properly explain.
Spiritually, I’m lost more often then not…and how great a thing that is!
You never know what you’ll find.